True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
