Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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