Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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