my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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