Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
