Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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