apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
