Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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