Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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