The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
