I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
