I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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