It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
