hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
