worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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