Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
NoShamevember. You game?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize