Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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