we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize