My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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