Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
