Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
