I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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