I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
