the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
