My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
