that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
