yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You took a bar mat shot.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
