I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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