Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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