my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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