Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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