My hand turned me down
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
