just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
