the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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