The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
