why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
