im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
