Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
