Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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