Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
this just has baby written all over it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
