i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
her vagine was all disorganized.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it's like heaven, but drunker
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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