You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
