I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
