Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
