Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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