So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
