I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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