I looked at my own cervix.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
