I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
