Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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