God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
