Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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