I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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