I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
