I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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